For The Life of Me  

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Paul's Blog

Damn It's Late

Well here I am again and it's pretty late, I've got finals tomorrow, and I really haven't studied at all for them but I'm quite sure I'll do fine. You see I had to build this motor for my physics class and there are three parts to this motor. We needed to do an outline of what we were doing and who we were working with, and then of course build the motor, and lastly write a report on how we built it and how it works... We've been working on this damn motor for ever and we still can't get it to work. It's so frustrating. Well anyway enough about that. I've been in a bind "AGAIN" you see this time, it's not boys or family life, it's work. See, I was up for a promotion and found out I was not able to get it becuase I was in school, and that just pissed me off because for the whole month of December and part of January I was the acting M.S.A (Memebr Service Assistant) and then they just took it away from me. But I totally love my new M.S.A which is fine, cause I got over it. But now the thing is that my sister's best friend is one of my bosses. And god forbid that she help me out since I helped he out so much in December. I was at work today contemplating on if I should quit or not, and it hit me, the whole time I;ve been here, I've been taking up all the shifts, and they haven't seem to do a thing about it. Kim (my sisters BF) says tha tshe appriciates me and loves me being there, but Sarah (my M.S.A.) told me that Kim is always saying that I don't help out enough, and that when it's busy I could handle everything on my own. Am I making sence here cause it's so late at night or early in the mornign that I don't even know what I'm trying to say anymore. All I know is that I need some sleep and that I need to get ready for these two finals coming up. Ok well I guess I should hit the books huh? Time to study, even for a little bit. Till the next time. This is ME!!

  posted by Jessica @ 2:18 AM

Thursday, January 17, 2002  

Thank you's
Thank you both lez and Paul for the advice, I know what you both are saying but it's eaiser to say than to do you know, and I know I've got to face my fears and just deal with it, but I'm just not sure how to go about it. I can't sleep at night cause I keep thinking about the perfect way to go about things and the right words to say that it comes out the right way, and the fact that, come on girls when we start we just can't seem to stop. And still to this day I can't figure out the right things to say. I think that I'll write it in a letter and read it to him, but I want feedback and not just listening you know what I'm saying? Well I'm in class and I've got to make this short I just wanted to say thanks to the both of you, you've both helped me in your own special way.

  posted by Jessica @ 10:09 AM

Friday, January 11, 2002  

More Thoughts

Well it's been a while since I've updated... but here I go...
So I'm back in school and I'm just not feeling it right now. I have 7 more day's till this quarters over and I just want it to be over... I've been in such a depressed mood lately... you see it's like this... I can't tell this guy how I really feel because I'm affraid that he'll step back from what's going on between us... but the thing is that even though I don't tell him i'm trying to keep away... cause see the thing is... you know when you get really comfortable with someone, and then feelings just start to develop... well that's what's been going on... and I can't tell him that cause I'm scared it'll ruin things, but if I don't say anything, it makes me in a bad, and sad mood. And I don't know what else to do cause now i'm trying to avoid him, and it sucks... i can't force these feelings to go away and i can't force them upon him. I don't know what to do... "Relationships, you can't live with em, and you can't live without 'em."

  posted by Jessica @ 10:11 AM

Thursday, January 10, 2002  

Just Thinking

I was just thinking abaout this as I was outsid smoking a ciggarett. I've been smoking, smoking since I was 12 I remember in 7th grade is when I took the first hit off of my ciggarett. I didn't like it then, but in 8th grade I tried it again and I had a whole one to myself and that's when I started to think this is what I'm going to to use to get away from the pain that I don't know how to deal with. I then realized, that was pretty dumb of me. Then in High School I started hanging out with what you can call "THE STONERS" I then started to smoke-chain smoke really, and it helped me to get away from the feelings that I didn't want to think about and deal with. So I guess you can say that was my "HAPPY PLACE" and now that I think about it, that was a really stupid happy place because now in college, I can't get rid of that "Happy Place" habit now especially sice I want to. Isn't that dumb. I think that smoking will take me away from all the pain but now that I want to get away from it and leave this happy place, it won't let me go. I just don't undestand why I can't just deal with my feelings like normal people do.

My sister and I have gotten really close in these past few years and she became like a best friend to me. I could tell her anything and everything. BUt that was when she didn't have a lot of friends. Now that she's got all these co-workers that have become like family to her, i feel that I cann't talk to her as much as I use to, especially since she's not around as much. It's kinda cool cause her girlfriends are like sisters to me and I love them, but at the same time I can't stand the fact that they've taken my sister away, the one true person that I can run to in anytime hasn't made time for me as much since her friends have come into her life. Is it selfish if me to feel this way? I honestly don't know and by felling this way I feel like no one is there for me. So I run for Mr. Marlboro himself to save me. Damn can you say "DRAMA QUEEN?" Shit I don't know what to say to her to let her know that I think by having these friends is ruining our relationship as sisters. I can't forget the way she's been totally dissin' me lately. One December 22, 2001 we went Christmas shopping together, and as we were leaving the mall we bump into my cousin Kuya Inel, we help him with his shopping and then as we're getting ready to leave we make plans to go to Kuya Inel's house and have a wrapping party together, we said we'd just stay there and get drunk and eat pizza all night you know kind of like a cousin's night out, except staying in. Well the next day I get a phone call from Kuya Inel and I make my way over to his apartment, without my Ate. So I give her a call and tell her that I'm there and she say's that she'll be on her way, I told her that if she wasn't coming that she needed to let us know so that we didnt' wait all night for her. And guess what we did. We waited up till 1:30 am then I get a call on my cell phone from my mom,
"Hay Ate's home now, where are you?"
"Still here at Kuya Inel's house, she never showed up."

and so my mom gave her the phone and we got into it. I told her that she was very inconciderate for what she did, and if she'd rather choose her friends over family that was fine. All she had to do was let me know. She was very offended, and came back with
"Well is it my fault that I went out with Kim and her mom and she took us out to dinner?"
I then asked... "How long did you take to come up with that stupid excuse?"
We then had a few words that I try to block out and hang up. That's not the only time I've felt this way. It's really sad when your own sister disses you for her friends, but you know what... I make these feelings go away by avoiding them, and I really don't think that's healthy for me. But hay I guess that's how I deal with thngs and it sucks cause I dont' know how else to cope with things like this... Am I that crazy? What the hell is wrong with me?

  posted by Jessica @ 2:14 PM

Wednesday, January 02, 2002  

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!!! Isn't it weird how time flies by so quickly? This year I spent new years with my parents, my sister "Ate" of course made plans to be with her friends. We went to the 11pm mass which ended right at midnigt. At first I really didn't want to go to churh and I wanted to spend new years with my friends, but at 9:30pm New Years Eve I started to feel sick. I can't tell you why cause I don't know myself, but I figured; Hay why not spend it with my family, I never really get to spend anytime with them anyway I might as well start the new year off with them right? Well I did and I didn't think I'd have much fun but you know what. I had more fun this new years than I've had going to parties with my friends. It was weird in a nice way.

December 1st 2002

I got a call at 9:45am from my co-worker Felipe who had to open the gym at 7am.
"What?" I answered with a grunt
"Can you come an hour early? I haven't gont to bed yet, and I'm so waiseted!"
"Yea, yea, yea!" I said "I'll be there."

After we hung up I set my alarm clok to 10am so that i would have time to get ready for work. Of course I fade out the buzzer as it goes off and sleep right through it. I wake up at 10:30am in a frantic. I do my hair brush my teeth and get dressed. As I wlak out my room I cheeck to see if Ate's home yet. Of course she's not, and I'm deeply sadden by the fact that she didn't even come home when she only went to Abernathies in Walnut Creek. So I rush down the stairs where I find my mom, Uncle Fidel and Inay in the kitchen talking and laughing like it was the first day they'd seen each other in years. But it was nice. So I rush to my car and drive off to work. As I pull up I am greeted by two of the members who had just finished their workout.
"Happy New Year" They said, as I greeted them back.
"You're here again? If you never drove up in that car we would have guessed that you lived here."
If you don't see by now, my job and my school is pretty much my life.

Well the day goes by pretty slow and finally 5:45pm, time to start the closing proceedure of my shift. I get to the point where I'm ready to hit the "FInish" button when I get a phone call from my mom. She says "Hay dad and I are pretty tired I don't think we're going to go to Auntie Julie's tonigt." and at this point I'm just frustartated. Cause it's 5:55pm and Tim who is suppose to relieve me hadden't arrived yet. So I say in an angry tone of voice, "Whatever mom, I'll call you as soon as I leave here." so we hang up and I'm just finishing up closing my register it's 6:05pm at this time and here comes Tim strolling in like he's got all the time in the world. Finally I can go home and convince my parents to go to my auntie's house so we can spend time with the family. Really I was wainting all day for this and then they tell me they don't want to go, it was kind of upsetting, if you know what I'm saying. So as I'm driving home I try calling the house and the phone is busy. I hang up and try again as I am half way home at this point, I start ot get frustrated so I drive faster as I am getting very annoyed by all the slow drivers. I finally get home and my mom is on the phone with one of her aunts from the Philippines. So I go upstairs to get ready and I said to them. "I'm going to Auntie Julie's whoever wants to come with me better start getting ready." As I walk out of my room I again check to see if Ate is home and sure enough there she is with her cell phone in hand talking to one of her friends that she was with the night before. I was kind of upset cause she was in her room not talking to anyone but to a friend that she hadn't seen for the past hour and a half. I let her know that I'm leaving I don't care if you're ready or not, I'm going. I go downstairs and there's my mom still on the phone telling me to wait for her. It's 7:15pm at this time and I agree cause I really didn't want to go alone.
Finally they all get up and we make our way to San Lorenzo. We get there and as we walk in the door there is a game of Pie Gow that is going on in one room, and game of Taboo in the other and a game of puso dos in the garage. It was nice to see the whole family together again, since Christmas Eve that is.

As the night ends at Auntie Julie's I invite Kuya Inel ("Paul") and Julian ("Ian") to come over and watch Save the Last Dance they both agree and we all meet up at my house. When Paul and Ian get there, Ate and I are sitting in the family room just talking about her night and my conversation that night with Amado from that night. We all end up watching America's Sweethearts and after the movie Ian and Kuya Inel are ready to leave to go back to Kuya Inel's apartment and invite me ot sleep over too. The three of us kinda hang out and Kuya Inel shows us the methods of cuffing bad guys, and even lets me do it to him. I love hanging out with Kuya Inel cause I learn a lot from him and I get to let a lot out of me that I've been holding in... That's actually how I got this blog started. When we finish with all the cop play we sit down to watch Dumb and Dumber . That movie ends and Ian wants to go to sleep. I go out to have a ciggaret and as Kuya Inel gets on the computer to read other's blogs. I come in and he starts to read me a couple of his entries and then we get the talking started.

December 02, 2001
My conversation with Kuya Inel

As Kuya Inel is reading me his blog I start to think. Wow I really relate to this cousin of mine, and you would've never guessed how much we have in common. I was telling him how much I wanted to get back into JAC (Junior Apostolates for Christ) but not to serve as an old timer but to go back as a candidate again. I was telling him how I think I'm starting to loose my relationship with GOD, not my faith altogether, but the relationship that I have with him. And I think that I just need some alone time and some help with finding myself. I mean I guess you can say that I can't really open up to people if I can't open up to myself you know. And I'll be honest I don't even try anymore. I try to drown myself in my studies and my work. I know it's bad, but it's how I cope with life right now... I try to stay away from the drama but for some reason the "drama" just follows, if you know what I mean. And I think that with JAC it will help me with my feelings and finding the me that I thought I once knew and pushed away.

I told Kuya Inel that a lot of people don't believe me when I say I remember almost everything when I was young. I told him that I remeber that when I was young maybe 4 is my most memorable time when I was a "crybaby" but the thing is I would cry when it came to hurting myself, but never when it came to feelings. I remeber so vividly my Grandpa Papang's funeral I remember eveyone crying my two aunts trying to jump into the grave as they were lowering my granfather and my dad and two other uncles were holding them back. I remember the soldiers that were at the funeral they were wearing puke green color uniforms and had spit shine riffels. I remeber that I didn't shed a tear that day in 1985. Then During my Taty Peding's funeral viewing in 1991 I remeber eveyone at the church crying, my Inay at the front of the church on the floor bangning her hands on the ground scearming, "Bakit kinuha n'yo sha sa akin" [Why did you take him away from me] I remeber feeling bad but not crying, and probably years later till I was in 8th grade (1995-1996) was the first time I really cried with feeling, like eveything had been building up inside and I was finally letting it out as I watched the taping of Tatay's funeral in the Philippines. It was weird to me cause I'd never had these feelings before. You see when I was a kid I grew up as a tom-boy. I hung out with the guys of the family, played sports, learned about cars, and did all the "GUY STUFF" with my dad. And when I'd get hurt and cry, everyone told me to suck it up and get on with my life. Unlike with my sister, where they'd bring her into their arms and tell her that everything was going to be OK. I guess you can say that I was a bit jealous of that fact but then a again relieved because I feel that I am a stronger person in my own way.

I think now all those feelings that I always kept bottled inside me are starting to come out, and lately I've haven't been myself. I feel sick and weak all the time, and I feel like crying for the smallest things. It's weird, and I think I'm affraid of how I will react when these feelings get stronger. I'm totally scared to be alone and listen to the inner me. I don't know what it is but I just don't know what I'll do when the feelings of being scared, distressed, saddness and pain start to come and haunt me. Sometimes I feel that I have no one to talk to. No "REAL" frineds that I can run to so that I can pour myself out to them. And that's why I am writing this all down in my newly found journal so that maybe you can help ma and give me some feed back on what you think I can do to get through these rough times.

All I know is that I want to find peace with myself and my feelings and I don't want to be afraid of them when it comes time to deal with it, I want to stop running from all the feelings inside and face them head on.

  posted by Jessica @ 6:56 AM

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